纯情 Romance

Annyeong~ It's been hell a long time since I've last updated my blog haven't I? Well, nothing can be done. I was pretty busy with all the consecutive sport events and extra classes after all...

If you guys check your calendars, you'll see that this post is dated 6th of July, which happens to be Shun's last day in Malaysia. I wonder if you guys remember? (^^) Yes well, I haven't seen him for a long time now, although he came to my class for his 1st and last English period with us. I suppose it was fun, although it was embarrassing for me, being the translator and all. Fortunately it was only for a short few minutes (^^), but overall I had fun because we didn't have homework :P

*sighs* Listen, there's no point in making this post all smiles and laughter because I pretty much lost that flair a long time ago... It's July, and I'm supposed to be glad that my birthday is coming and all... and I'm also really touched that my Nii-sama remembers my birthday so accurately, but I just don't know why, at times, my whole life just feels so empty. I feel like a soulless vessel, hollow and meaningless... I could be smiling and cracking jokes a moment before, and then feel so lonely after. It's as though everything in my life has suddenly been whirled away, and for those long torturing moments, I can hardly feel anything at all... I used to be able to know I wanted to cry, I used to know what a smile from the heart felt like... now I'm oblivious to my own life. It's like a sudden blackout, when I can see nothing, and I get so scared... Does any of you even know what it feels like? To not be able to feel anything???

A few days ago, I started to wonder if this had anything to do with Shun going back to where he belongs... I always felt that him being here, was, unreal to me. His existence was like, when I read a comic book... I knew from the start he was real, real enough for me to be able to spent wonderful times with him, but aside from all of that, he was still, ethereal~ I took the past 2 months as a dream, a dream I can just wake up from the next morning and act like everything was back to normal... But maybe, have I gotten attached?

That leaf that flew in from the window...

The first laugh I heard from him....

All the smiles we shared...

And all the fun times he wanted to have with me,

The memories he wanted to remember about me...

They were all supposed to be... a dream, a fantasy I could wake up from... But with things as it is now, I'm trying so hard to wake up when I subconsciously might not want to... At times like this I feel selfish enough to the extent of wishing he could stay HERE. I want to feel

THE EXCITEMENT....

THE ANXIETY....

THE HAPPINESS...

THE JEALOUSY...

I want to feel it all, because at least I could feel myself feeling something... I want it all. When my heartbeat starts racing and my cheeks turn bright red... no, they don't feel good, but it so beats feeling nothing......

So am I actually blue about him leaving...? Didn't I know that he would leave from the start?
No, perhaps him leaving ain't the issue here...
It's probably this yearning for him to stay here, it's probably the regret of not having enough courage when I was around him, it's probably the hatred I feel towards myself for changing when the old me was what got us closer in the first place...

I was relaxed. Easy. Lively. Innocent.
I was... a better person.
I just don't get why I changed when the old me was so true and real with him. I don't get why I changed, I don't get how I changed... But I became so passive and so shy, everything I said turned out to be the shortest sentence I've ever spoken to someone... There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but something kept me from doing so... Something made me so self conscious, something made me feel I was an idiot in his presence, something made me feel so scared he was going to hate such a foolish me, something stopped me from talking to him... I kept quiet, I kept all I wanted to say IN, for 2 months......

I realized this lack of courage wasn't going to do me any good, so 2 days ago, I wrote him a letter...

I thought, since this was the last time I'll ever get to tell him anything again, I might as well pour out all my thoughts in that letter... Besides, I'm at my best when I have my pen... It was difficult for me, cause I kept thinking of how it'd be a hindrance, and a pain for him to read because...my Japanese ain't perfect, but I gave it my all... Who cares if the letter showed how stupid I was! It wasn't like he's ever going to see me again... Maybe one day we'll look back and laugh at my stupidity... (^^) I poured out my soul into that letter, baked for him, and went to the temple for him... If the letter doesn't convey anything, I was hoping at least my prayers would be with him.

Maybe the regrets of me just admiring him from afar for 2 whole months would continue to haunt me for years and years to come, but in the end I did try to do something...

I know, when he goes back tomorrow, my life would be back to normal...
(Well, it doesn't look very normal now does it?)
*sighs* I never liked saying goodbyes, especially when there's no chance of meeting again. So, lemme just say :

Goodnight...
I'll miss you...
But it's time, I woke up...