"You've got every right to a beautiful life ~~ "

Attention: When you start reading my blog, play this video first and read it while listening. You'll understand what I'm trying to convey better.

Was supposed to go to school today but I fell so ill I couldn't get out of bed... This is the first time I've felt this sick : FLU + COUGH + FEVER + GASTRIC + MIGRAINE ain't a good combination ... (==) You have no idea how wretched I feel... In fact, I've only just woken up 4 hours ago...

However, being stuck in bed has given me lots to think about...

I haven't left the room, or my bed for that matter, and it's not like I have much entertainment, plus it was raining too, so I cuddled in my bed and then my mind floated off somewhere...

...*...*...*...*...*...*

This might sound obsessive or whatever, but I actually thought about Shun again... (><) At times when I'm down and helpless like this, I actually took his letter and just stared at it... The words didn't register into my mind at all, it was as though I was just looking at it and observing the strokes of his words... My lack of consciousness made my mind wander away with just the help of the drips and drops of the lovely July shower, and soon before I knew it... My soul time-traveled back to 2 months ago...

I remembered that Wednesday when he first set foot on the school grounds, how the whole school started screaming and how the girls of my class became so excited... I remembered seeing Pn.Ong's expression when my classmates started screaming, I remembered how I couldn't see him because I was short-sighted :P But most of all, I remembered how cool I was NOT CARING.

I could still hear my own voice at Eng Choon Block that recess, at the balcony right opposite the Form 1 classes... I could still remember Yeo-san introducing us to each other, with Shun standing so close, just in front of me... I could remember his face and outlines so clearly, I could remember the first words "Yoroshiku" that came out of my mouth. I saw his startled face for the first time when I did a 90 degee bow. He bowed back and muttered the same words to me, and I was so delightfully happy he actually understood me... That little bit of confidence I gained from that day still lives inside me up till now...

And then, my mind reached it's next destination —— the memories of the first Japanese class I attended with him. I still remembered that it was a Tuesday, because we had so much fun watching the younger kids do a role play... Yeo-san considered me a "senpai" ("sunbae" in Korean, “学长” in Chinese, "senior" in English) because of my...longer experience with the language than any other person in my class and threw me to Shun's side (Oh My God, I was abandoned! >< ), thus forcing me to sit with him and converse with him. I remembered telling myself :

"Oh Lord, kill me now... (==)"

I remembered bestie Lee Michelle blaming me for leaving her... But I guess I did stay with him a little too long... (><)

However that Tuesday didn't go as bad as I thought it would. It was really awkward at first, but then there was that dried leaf that floated into the classroom and onto the centre of our tables, which we curiously stared at for several seconds, which actually, lightened up our moods with a bit of laughter (^^) Thank you, Happa-san (葉-san XD) !

I remembered how absent-minded and innocently 'me' I was. I was that girl that he remembered for laughing and smiling a lot, that girl who ripped leaves when she was nervous, that girl who was forever curious and talking to herself a lot... (><) All in all, he remembered me because I was... an awkward idjit (idiot)... But if that's how I became memorable, shouldn't I be lucky I AM this way? That was what I've been thinking about this whole afternoon, when I was stuck in bed...

Come to think about it... Didn't Nii-sama also became friends with me because of how STUPID I was last year? Didn't everyone become friends with me because of how true I was to myself? Wasn't life so much easier and meaningful because they accepted me for me?
According to astrology and horoscopes, Leos are... yes, bossy, prideful, leader-ish, but we're also sincere when it comes to feelings, and just like how the manes on the lions are so big and obvious, like the sun, we also have a flair in being bright and vivid and making people smile...
If I really have this ability, why on Earth do I feel that I have to envy other people's lives and wish I could be like them?

Because I was still like when I was Std 1, I still had friends like Yee Wen and Yin Geok.

Because I was straightforward and honest, and sometimes easy to fool (hence Khin Yew fooled me into revealing my crush during std 4), I had friends like Khin Yew.

Because we shared a heart and a brain; we were same yet different, I had friends like Jessie.

Because I was so much like the girl that leads shoujo mangas and naturally had a flair of making people smile, I had friends like Nii-sama, Lee Michelle, Chern Hou, XinYi, Rima and Rui Yuan...

Because I so easily opened up and approached all that are trustworthy, I had friends like Ann-ie and Jia Yih~ (^^)

and...

because I spoke his language and tried my best for him, Shun remembers me up till the last day he stayed here.

So what am I still unsatisfied about?
If I were anyone else, maybe I wouldn't have had such good friends.
If I were anyone else, maybe I would have grown up to be a total bitch.
If I were anyone else, maybe I wouldn't have known Japanese, neither their language or culture.
If I were anyone else, maybe I'd never have watched Bleach and I'd never have my Nii-sama.
If I were anyone else, maybe I would have went to a different school and I'd never have the friends I have now.
If I were anyone else, maybe I wouldn't have had any memories with Shun at all...

You see, life is what you make it. Everything that has been going on with your life is all the consequences from your own actions and decisions, and how you make the best out of your life. It's true that life's sometimes bitter and you might have regrets, hey, even I do, but just think... If you were anyone else, you could have been much worse.
Maybe if you were someone else, you would have been less loved?
Maybe if you were someone else, you'd never have people you could trust?
Life may be bitter, but I'm sure all of us have made decisions that have brought us happiness, right?

Well, I dunno if I managed to convey anything, but one thing's for sure...

I'm sure there's many things, you'd like to change about yourself, but when it comes to me, I wouldn't wanna be anybody else... 

Someday, all of you, should be able to sing this...

纯情 Romance

Annyeong~ It's been hell a long time since I've last updated my blog haven't I? Well, nothing can be done. I was pretty busy with all the consecutive sport events and extra classes after all...

If you guys check your calendars, you'll see that this post is dated 6th of July, which happens to be Shun's last day in Malaysia. I wonder if you guys remember? (^^) Yes well, I haven't seen him for a long time now, although he came to my class for his 1st and last English period with us. I suppose it was fun, although it was embarrassing for me, being the translator and all. Fortunately it was only for a short few minutes (^^), but overall I had fun because we didn't have homework :P

*sighs* Listen, there's no point in making this post all smiles and laughter because I pretty much lost that flair a long time ago... It's July, and I'm supposed to be glad that my birthday is coming and all... and I'm also really touched that my Nii-sama remembers my birthday so accurately, but I just don't know why, at times, my whole life just feels so empty. I feel like a soulless vessel, hollow and meaningless... I could be smiling and cracking jokes a moment before, and then feel so lonely after. It's as though everything in my life has suddenly been whirled away, and for those long torturing moments, I can hardly feel anything at all... I used to be able to know I wanted to cry, I used to know what a smile from the heart felt like... now I'm oblivious to my own life. It's like a sudden blackout, when I can see nothing, and I get so scared... Does any of you even know what it feels like? To not be able to feel anything???

A few days ago, I started to wonder if this had anything to do with Shun going back to where he belongs... I always felt that him being here, was, unreal to me. His existence was like, when I read a comic book... I knew from the start he was real, real enough for me to be able to spent wonderful times with him, but aside from all of that, he was still, ethereal~ I took the past 2 months as a dream, a dream I can just wake up from the next morning and act like everything was back to normal... But maybe, have I gotten attached?

That leaf that flew in from the window...

The first laugh I heard from him....

All the smiles we shared...

And all the fun times he wanted to have with me,

The memories he wanted to remember about me...

They were all supposed to be... a dream, a fantasy I could wake up from... But with things as it is now, I'm trying so hard to wake up when I subconsciously might not want to... At times like this I feel selfish enough to the extent of wishing he could stay HERE. I want to feel

THE EXCITEMENT....

THE ANXIETY....

THE HAPPINESS...

THE JEALOUSY...

I want to feel it all, because at least I could feel myself feeling something... I want it all. When my heartbeat starts racing and my cheeks turn bright red... no, they don't feel good, but it so beats feeling nothing......

So am I actually blue about him leaving...? Didn't I know that he would leave from the start?
No, perhaps him leaving ain't the issue here...
It's probably this yearning for him to stay here, it's probably the regret of not having enough courage when I was around him, it's probably the hatred I feel towards myself for changing when the old me was what got us closer in the first place...

I was relaxed. Easy. Lively. Innocent.
I was... a better person.
I just don't get why I changed when the old me was so true and real with him. I don't get why I changed, I don't get how I changed... But I became so passive and so shy, everything I said turned out to be the shortest sentence I've ever spoken to someone... There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but something kept me from doing so... Something made me so self conscious, something made me feel I was an idiot in his presence, something made me feel so scared he was going to hate such a foolish me, something stopped me from talking to him... I kept quiet, I kept all I wanted to say IN, for 2 months......

I realized this lack of courage wasn't going to do me any good, so 2 days ago, I wrote him a letter...

I thought, since this was the last time I'll ever get to tell him anything again, I might as well pour out all my thoughts in that letter... Besides, I'm at my best when I have my pen... It was difficult for me, cause I kept thinking of how it'd be a hindrance, and a pain for him to read because...my Japanese ain't perfect, but I gave it my all... Who cares if the letter showed how stupid I was! It wasn't like he's ever going to see me again... Maybe one day we'll look back and laugh at my stupidity... (^^) I poured out my soul into that letter, baked for him, and went to the temple for him... If the letter doesn't convey anything, I was hoping at least my prayers would be with him.

Maybe the regrets of me just admiring him from afar for 2 whole months would continue to haunt me for years and years to come, but in the end I did try to do something...

I know, when he goes back tomorrow, my life would be back to normal...
(Well, it doesn't look very normal now does it?)
*sighs* I never liked saying goodbyes, especially when there's no chance of meeting again. So, lemme just say :

Goodnight...
I'll miss you...
But it's time, I woke up...